5/11/01

Dear Ed and Dana,

     I stumbled across your website today, and you've got a lot of really great information. Things were nicely laid out and easy to navigate. Anyway, I looked through your book excerpts and the advice, but there was one question I didn't see addressed: How does one bring this subject up with one's spouse?
     My wife and I have been married for a little over three years, and the closest we've come to discussing anything like this was our admission to each other that a threesome with another woman is a shared fantasy. My wife indicated that she didn't feel comfortable with actually acting it out because of jealousy and fear. She preferred to let it remain an occaisional fantasy in her mind. She's very wary of "losing" me to someone else, even though I've never given her a hint of wanting to stray.
     Do you have any pointers for approaching this delicate topic with someone who probably will be quite surprised, and maybe even put off quite a bit by it?
     I don't want her to think that I want to "cheat" on her or do this solely so that I can sleep with other women - I need to let her know that it's okay for her to play too. In fact, I REALLY want her to have fun! What's the best way to do it?
     Here's another wrinkle - we were both virgins before we met, so this would definitely contribute to the nervousness/uneasiness factor on her part.
     Sorry to be so long-winded. This is something that I've been wanting to explore with her for a long time, but I just don't know if she's ready or willing. Obviously, I would not force her into anything - that would be VERY, VERY wrong, and I'm not like that at all. If anything, I'm too shy to even bring it up!
     Any advice you can give would be MUCH appreciated!

Sincerely, "EC"
 

Dear "EC,"

     Swinging involves being sexually playful as a couple with other couples. You are most unlikely to succeed at swinging unless you are first sexually playful as a couple with each other. If you don't meet this criterion, bringing up the subject of swinging will not only trouble your relationship, it could forever negate the option. On the other hand, if you are sexually playful with each other, the idea of swinging will come up naturally at some point — you won't have to ponder methods of broaching the subject.
     You say that you really want your wife to have fun. We assume that you really want yourself to have fun too. That's a good place to start. (Where you are is always the best place to start.) So, figure out what you might both enjoy and do more of it. Then, start expanding the boundaries. Watch X-rated videos, watch sex-enhancement videos, play adult games, read erotic fiction to each other. Give sensual massages. Take baths together. Masturbate in front of each other. Flirt in public; neck in public; do something wicked in public. Try a little restraint. Try blindfolds. Study oral technique, vibrator technique, anal technique. Make love in a classy hotel suite, in a cheap motel room, in the motel's parking lot. Be very aware of what seems to arouse the other and be supportive of those desires, even if you don't understand them. And all the while, maintain the romance, tell her you love her, tell her she's beautiful, buy her flowers, do the dishes.
     Communication is the key. Read some good books on interpersonal relations. Better yet, attend workshops designed to put you in touch with yourselves and with each other.
     And don't forget the rational side of things. Do you know when society became such a sexual mess? Where our moral codes came from? Why the institution of marriage so often fails? Who is trying to control your lives? Studying these matters could help resolve conflicts and remove guilt that is keeping your sexual life from being all it can be.
     All of this might sound like a lot of work, but actually it will be a lot of fun. And, whether or not you ever become swingers, your marriage will be far more satisfying for the effort.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana

P.S. Once the subject does come up, share our book, Considering Swinging, with your wife. It's designed to help folks decide if the lifestyle is right for them and it discusses the "fear of loss" issue.