5/5/01

Dear Ed and Dana,

     We are new to the swinging scene. For now, we have enjoyed 'soft' swinging (sex with each other but in front of others). We are thinking of going further and looking for advice. We have discussed everything and feel it will be a huge turn on to watch each other having sex (with someone else). Is this common? Correct?
      We are over the jealousy thing (we think — never know until you are there).
      Your thoughts please.

Thank you,
L and P

Dear L and P,

     You ask if it is common to be turned on by watching your spouse (or primary partner) having sexual relations with another person. In our experience, many — probably most — people have exactly that reaction. (But don't expect everyone to; there are some very active swingers who do not care to party in the same room with their spouse.)
     Since you say you enjoy sex with each other in another's presence, we have no reason to believe that you wouldn't enjoy taking it a step further and doing a little touching, kissing, and licking with another couple or person. If that seems cool, and you both are in the mood, why not let nature take its course?
     And if, for some reason, things don't develop to your liking, then talk it over, decide what went wrong, and go on from there. Remember that literally millions of people do this sort of thing week after week. Every one of them was nervous their first time, but it's like that first hill on the roller coaster, real scary getting there, and then you want to go again and again.
     Some think of swinging as sharing their partner with others. Some think of swinging as giving their partner a gift of being with others. We especially like to think of swinging as a game we play together — on the same team! So, it isn't he with her and she with him, rather it is us with them. Of course, you will want to be open to intimacy with your new friends, but that doesn't mean you can't look at, touch, and talk with each other as the play progresses.
     If you keep your sex "together," you'll definitely minimize "the jealousy thing."

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana