| Dear
B, Your
question about retaining “something special” is an important one. Given your experiences
to date, and in view of the “soft” in your e-mail address, we’d like to preface
our answer with a few comments on “soft swinging” that we’ve been wanting to make
for some time. Thanks for giving us this opportunity.
Back
when swinging was mostly done at private parties, “soft swinging” meant pursuing
friendships as well as coitus (as opposed to “hard” or “hard-core” swingers who
didn’t want any social interactions outside the bedroom). As swinging becomes
more commercialized, some of the major clubs, travel agencies, and other enterprises
are trying to expand the definition of swinging in hopes of attracting a wider
patronage. They reason that the broader the definition of “swinging” the more
“swingers” there will be, and the more customers they might attract to their business.
These are the same people who appropriated the term “lifestyle” to refer exclusively
to swinging – even though there are many alternative sexual lifestyles with equal
claim to that label. As a result, what used to be considered merely baby steps
toward becoming a swinger (only watching, only touching, etc.) are now touted
as subsets of the “lifestyle.”
We are not saying that
there is anything wrong with advancing one step at a time at your own pace. In
fact, we highly recommend that approach. There are dangers, however, in thinking
of soft swinging as a lifestyle unto itself.
First off,
Mother Nature doesn’t appreciate foreplay without follow-through, and going against
Her desires can trigger a number of threats to your relationship. If one is caught
up in the flow of the moment and has to stop because of a prior agreement, one
tends to feel resentment toward that agreement. Given enough time, that resentment
will spread to the spouse with whom the agreement was made. Then there is the
question of what happens if one fails to stop at the critical point. As at teenage
make-out parties, resolutions not to “go all the way” are often short-lived. We
feel it unwise to continue to hang out at the bakery when you are pledged to a
low-carb diet – there’s just too much risk of lapse and recrimination.
Another difficulty we have with soft swinging is the effect it has on couple-to-couple
relationships. One of the greatest rewards of swinging is the friendships that
develop between couples. A key factor in the strength and longevity of these friendships
is the lack of sexual tension within the group. Relationships between non-swinging
couples are often strained because cross-couple flirtations lead to suspicion
and jealousy. In contrast, people who have swung together have “been there, done
that,” allowing everyone to feel less threatened and much closer to each other.
Soft swinging actually has the opposite effect; it increases the level of sexual
tension to the point that everyone has to be constantly on alert for violations
of “the rules.” This makes comfortable friendships almost impossible over the
long term.
The biggest problem we see with soft swinging,
is that the prohibited easily becomes the desired. That is, we tend to want precisely
the thing that we cannot have. The more one tries to avoid something, the more
it impinges on one’s mind. (We know a woman whose first husband told her she could
have sex with anyone but Mr. X … Guess who she is married to today!) As a couple
continues to participate in soft swinging, they become more and more fixated on
the very idea of penetration. As a result, intercourse is given far more importance
than it deserves. And that is dangerous.
Many couples dive
right in and enjoy unrestricted swinging from their very first encounter, others
take their time wading into deeper waters. Either approach is fine. We firmly
believe that swinging can strengthen and enhance a marriage; but “soft swinging,”
over the long run, has the contrary effect.
Now, in regard
to the specifics of your e-mail: You failed to say if your husband was a virgin
when you married, so we assume he was not. We doubt that his past experiences
cause him to think you any less special. We see no reason to think that you would
react differently and think less of him once you have had intercourse with other
men. The opposite is more likely true.
We can’t speak for
“most women” but we have known several whose first experience with another man
was in swinging, and we’ve noticed no difference in how easily they adapted to
it and how much they enjoyed it.
The “special” thing that
you and your husband have is the body of experiences you have shared. You cannot
lose that. What you can lose is the opportunity to widen your shared experiences.
There’s always some risk to that, but as long as the two of you communicate well
and stick together, you’ll have no reason to feel guilty.
Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana |
