1/4/02

Dear Ed and Dana,

We have been married for 12 years, and recently started swinging. We have done mostly MFM threesomes (as that was his original fantasy) and one couple.

I am the female of this couple. I want to do the couple thing again (for him) but am having some difficulty becoming comfortable with it. I do not have worries that he will leave me or anything, it is just that it DOES NOT turn me on to see him with another woman. I also am feeling insecure about "will she be better than me" and really don't know if I could deal with him getting off better with another woman - it would make me feel inadequate. But I feel selfish because he has done the MFM thing (even though it was all his idea).

Please tell me if you have any suggestions! I really want to get over these feelings! Thanks!

Thanks!
"New and Confused"

Dear "New and Confused"

Feelings of insecurity and fears of inadequacy are common with new swingers (and not a few veterans, also) and you are fully justified in wanting to protect your marital relationship. We also applaud your desire to assist your husband in enjoying all aspects of his sexuality.

The only way to "get over these feelings" is through time, experience, and greater knowledge. You can't wish away jealousy or any other fear. Time and experience will take care of themselves, so let's consider the knowledge angle.

You say that you would feel inadequate if your husband had a better climax with another woman than with you. We won't deny the possibility of that happening. We do suggest that you carefully consider the implications of your answers to the following questions.

     Has your marriage lasted for 12 years primarily because you were the best sex partner your husband ever had?
     Among all the females that you and your husband now know, are you the best conversationalist, the best cook, the best singer, the best masseuse, the sweetest, the most beautiful? Surely, the two of you know someone with some superior talents to yours, but you don't feel insecure around them. Why is it only sexual prowess that concerns you?
[By the way, most people, both male and female, achieve their most intense orgasms via masturbation, but that doesn't stop them from preferring coitus. A symphony is not judged by how loudly the orchestra plays the closing note.]
     If your husband did find someone who, on one occasion, inspired him to a superior orgasm, would you rather be there at his side as a loving companion sharing in the moment, or would you rather he did it secretively? Do you want to share his joy … or make him feel guilty about it?
     In the swinging situations you have experienced, how much did you enjoy being with the other men? With the other woman?
     Have you been completely honest about all this with your husband? We hope you have. Will you share this response with him? We hope you do.

Beyond this, we suggest that both of you read our booklet, Considering Swinging, especially the section on "Fear of Loss," and the chapter on "Handling Emotions" in Together Sex. These plus your introspection should provide you with sufficient knowledge about yourself and this lifestyle to enable you to truly enjoy swinging experiences with each other.

Please keep us informed of your progress.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana