12/24/01

Hi Ed and Dana,

We have been in the lifestyle for about 4 years. Recently, we attended our first group party. As 'newbies' we were concerned with learning the protocols and dynamics of a group setting. The setting and company were delightful and we certainly enjoyed ourselves.

However, we'd like your advice about something. In our prior lifestyle experiences, condom-use has been a politely accepted request. Clearly, we would all prefer not to have to use them, but this is our lifestyle choice and we do our best to adhere to it. We have our reasons (maybe not shared by others), but one important issue is that Ann [all names here are pseudonyms] is fertile and is unable to use other birth-control methods.

Ann's request for condom use got very mixed results. One guy left. One gentlemen was quite insulted to the point of approaching several other ladies to discuss the issue with them. And, he even called Ann aside just before we left to lecture her! He was quite angry and he took this as a personal rejection. This creates two concerns....one is that the group isn't supportive of condom use, which frankly just seems to make good sense to us. The second is that there are individuals in the group that can't handle someone saying no.

As you might imagine, this was a big topic of discussion all the way home. We certainly don't want to instill bad feelings with anyone in the group. Please give us some guidance on these issues. We would enjoy going to future parties, but we need to resolve these concerns before we can comfortably participate in future activities.

Thank you,
Joe and Ann

Dear "Joe and Ann"

We're happy to hear that your first group party was a generally positive experience for you. Perhaps the following points will help ensure that future parties are even more fun and free of uncomfortable situations.

First, the person who took it upon himself to lecture Ann was no "gentleman." In our book, Considering Swinging, we have the following Q&A on the subject:

"Will I be expected to wear a condom? At clubs that have a very open membership, where people often have sex with folks they’ve never met before, condoms are commonplace. At the other extreme, at private parties where most everybody knows everybody, condoms are seldom seen. The degree of use varies widely from place to place and time to time. But, you just never can tell. So, even if you believe that latex barriers are the antithesis of intimacy, we advise taking a few along.

"Whether male or female, it is a serious breach of etiquette to resist the use of a condom when asked. If you feel the need to discuss the pros and cons, wait until after all sex play is concluded. And, of course, never, ever argue or show anger while at a club or party."

On the other hand, the person who insists on using a condom has the responsibility to inform a potential partner of the situation before getting heavily involved (such as going to a private room or removing one's clothes) so that either person can gracefully decline to go further and no one is embarassed. This should be done as soon as you have decided that you would like to play with this person. If you find a simple declaration awkward, try telling a story about the time when you had a humorous moment involving a condom ("which, of course, you always use").

Unless you are confident that everyone at the party is using condoms, it would be wise to avoid group scenes open to the participation of anyone who wanders into the room. Most every party and club has rooms for private interactions.

We would never condemn or disparage those who desire to use condoms, but the idea of using condoms at a party to prevent conception strikes us as a bit risky. Condoms are often known to slip and leak — especially when the question "does anybody have a condom" may well result in being handed one that is old, cheap, and/or rather battered. (In the heat of passion, who's going to notice?) Also, the idea that a playful union might result in pregnancy isn't likely to increase either party's libido. If other birth-control methods are not viable, we urge you to always carry a few dependable condoms with you.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana