8 March 2005

Dear Ed and Dana,

My wife has left me for another married man. This happened earlier this month. The consequences of this are far reaching and terribly embarrassing. Since this be the case, I will disclose that in my marriage we had been engaged in swinging. We got involved with a couple (I will call them "M" and "S" to remain anonymous) that for the most part seemed to be a great match for us and stable in their own marriage. As time progressed and as we became more involved with this family, there were some serious bonding going on. I should state that we met on the internet. Unfortunately, my wife and "M" found suit to break marriage and live together in "M"'s south Columbus rental town home. "M" has dismissed "S" and her three teenage children from their respective home. Also I should mention that this happened one week before she underwent major surgery. Taking this in consideration and also my personal fondness for "S" and her children, I have taken them into my home. The reality as you might see is more or less a "permanent" swap of mate. Forgive me as I say this as this firmly goes against my personal morals and permeates the significance of the situation. There are many excuses and justifications for their actions, but nonetheless this affects my four children and their five.

With regards to my kids, they are in mom's custody. I visit the kids on the weekends. They are confused, yet resilient to the change. I remind them often that I love them and we play together as usual.

"S"'s children are wonderful and have adjusted well to their new home. At the present, not a lot has been discussed about the future, but it is clear nothing will ever be the same again. This brings many tears to our respective immediate families and children. I am so sorry for the lifestyle I allowed in my home which has ultimately led to the demise of two homes. I wish not to set blame, yet I will mention that both "S" and I did everything we could to reverse our spouse's decisions as soon as they were presented to us. Naturally, this is not in the best interests of our children, yet blind affection has led them to their actions. I have many speculations regarding the timing and reasoning behind their decision, but nothing is immediately clear. Only the fact that we are separated remains, and there is nothing I can do to reverse it.

"S" is … sad also about this separation, but she reports a less than happy relationship with "M". From what I have heard and some of what I have seen, she was involved in a troubled relationship. Letting him go was not too terribly difficult for her, albeit a marriage of ten years.

* * *

With regards to how things are for me personally, I am saddened. I miss having my children with me all the time. I took a long look at the qualities of my marriage and found that in recent years, truly something was amiss. Our "extracurricular activities" must have presented an opportunity of escape for our estranged spouses. Regardless of polyamorous intentions, we were told that they discovered they cannot love more than one and they chose each other over us. Yes, this sounds much like a tale from the Jerry Springer TV show, but I am living it! My ex said this is what she wants and it makes her happy. I cannot hold shackles to her and keep her home. So she is gone. I have a new family here with me now. I love them all, and wish to make this work for the better of the children.

That's my story. I hope that no one find's this situation their reality. Please be careful and think about this before doing it.

-Mark

[Some identifying information has been removed.]

[The fact that this e-mail was sent to a non-existent address suggests that it may not be sincere, or it may be spam, but we shall answer it anyway as it provides an opportunity to make a needed point.]

Dear Mark,

It is true that swingers sometimes get divorced, and on rare occasions, their swinging activities have contributed to the reasons for the divorce. But people in monogamous relationships get divorced far more often. When two non-swingers meet and fall in love with other married people shall we blame monogamy for their troubles?

Swinging is about caring and sharing, it requires openness and honesty. Swinging does not encourage people to forget their marriage vows or to disregard their obligations to their spouses and their children.

You seem like a responsible, caring person Mark, and we are sorry for your troubles, but we don't think blaming a recreational activity is going to help much.

Best Regards,
Ed and Dana