10/21/02

Dear Ed and Dana.

My wife and I have had sex with five other couples now, all in the same room and we enjoyed all of it. But I found myself more turned on watching my wife with another man than pleasing who I was with. So, I started inviting single men to be with her while I simply sat and watched.

The trouble, if any, comes from the perception that I "use " my wife by asking her to have sex with a guy for my pleasure. Also, she said that she enjoyed it very much and wishes to try again, but she was worried that it made her feel a but "slutty."

We believe that as long as no one's feelings get hurt, a couple can do almost anything they want, as long as the comunication is there; but I have been warned that bringing home men for the wife to have sex with for her and my pleasure is bound to cause trouble.

Your thoughts please.

Mike
 

Dear Mike,

We see two ways that your activities might cause you “trouble.”

First, a single male may not fully comprehend your practice, or may not fully comply with your rules. For example, he might start pestering your wife to have sex with him when you are not present. Or, he might decide he’s in love with her! That could get real messy.

Second, sex with a single guy is just not as safe as sex with another married couple. Not only is the risk of infection higher, but so is the risk of having your names spread all over town (or over the Internet) in a less-than-flattering way.

Both of these risks can be greatly reduced if the single guys are selected from those who are experienced regulars at an on-premise swingers’ club that screens its attendees carefully. Generally, these men understand the rules and the desires of those they play with. (We’d still recommend having them use condoms.) Another approach is to swing with couples in which the female is strongly bi-sexual (if your wife enjoys such play). That way, you can sit and watch her being pleasured by two people!

As for the concern you expressed about “using” your wife, it doesn’t seem to us that you are using each other any more than if you were just having sex together. This kind of “use” is what relationships are all about.

As for your wife feeling “slutty,” in our experience, most women enjoy that feeling from time to time. And they should. After all, would you be worried about feeling “studly”? You might want to read our discussion of the “politics of shame” in Together Sex.

Thanks for writing. Let us know how things turn out.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana