1/18/02

Dear Ed and Dana,

I really need help!!

My husband of seven years wants to have sex with a couple we have recently met. I mean he wants to have sex in the same bedroom and switch partners back and forth. When we do have sex, that's all he talks about doing and he asks me questions about what do I think if this other guy does this or that to me and could I handle a man in each end.

I will admit that he does get me stimulated by all this and I have had secret fantasies about having sex with this other guy who is quite handsome. Also, she is drop-dead gorgeous and I admit to fantasies there as well. But I'm terrified that it could wreck my marriage and I get sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

We have one child, three years old but I have watched my weight and I exercise. I walked by a Mall construction site a few days ago and the boss guy said he would have me arrested as a dangerous distraction if I walked by again so I guess I'm still whistle bait.

What should I do? I can't even talk about it without getting sick and shaky. I love my husband very much and he is the only man I have ever been with but I am afraid he will go hunting for a woman who will swing with him and I will lose him. What can I do and what should I do?

"Terrified"
 

Dear "Terrified,"

You haven't supplied much information for us to go on here, but we do feel you should take the following steps.

1. Relax. This should be an exciting and fun adventure for the two of you to share. Everyone experiences anxiety at first; most get over it quickly and look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

2. Reach an agreement with your husband that you will seriously consider his proposal and that he will not bring it up again for a while (a month or two?).

3. There can be many intermediate stages between sexual monogamy and full swinging. Realize that you can take one step at a time and proceed at your own rate and pause or stop whenever you feel the need. You are in control.

4. Do research. Read the "top three books on swinging" as displayed on The Swinging Life homepage and peruse the columns on the recommended sites such as Sue's at Club Adventure. Have your husband read this material also and discuss what you have read with each other — in detail, at length, and very openly and honestly.

5. Once the two of you have read the books, feel free to write to us again with your thoughts and questions.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana

P.S. What clues do you have that indicate this other couple would cooperate in your fantasies? How do you imagine that doing so would "wreck" your marriage?