4/16/03

Dear Ed and Dana,

My boyfriend and I are new to the lifestyle and have had an MFF experience and a couple experience. However, both of these experiences were centered around the girls.
    The couple we met would like to 'play' with us again, but I am not at all attracted to the man. I am not sure how to deal with this situation, as my boyfriend feels he is missing out and really wants to play with the wife of this couple. He says that there must be a compromise that I can reach about this, but I just don't know!
    I would greatly appreciate any and all advice you have to offer.

Best,
A

Dear A,

    Thanks for giving us the opportunity to answer this important question.
    Whether or not "compromise" is advisable depends on what you are being asked to give up. Trading time or effort is one thing; sacrificing your self respect is quite another. Much depends on what you mean by "I am not at all attracted to the man." If you are repulsed by this man, or if sexually interacting with him makes you feel degraded, then you should not party with the couple again. On the other hand, if you merely find him unexciting, then you might consider another encounter. But we do not advise doing so at this early stage in your swinging experience.
    There are lots of great couples out there with whom you will both be compatible. Find them. Enjoy them. Then, in a year or so, when you have had time to better understand what you both want and don’t want in swinging, you will be in a much better position to determine how to handle situations where the match-ups are less than perfect. There are, after all, options other than compliance or avoidance.
    We totally understand your boyfriend’s feeling that he is missing out on something very desirable; but, he needs to understand that pushing you into an unpleasant experience now could well mean losing out on many, many pleasurable experiences in the future.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana