11/14/02

Dear Ed and Dana.

I love your website….it has been very helpful! I am going to buy your book too!

My husband and I had our first swinging experience over this weekend and I have never experienced so many different emotions all in one! Wow…it was sexy and hot and sexy (oh, did I already say that?) It has taken us months to get this point (nearly a year). We wanted to make sure we wouldn’t have regrets later. We played on the camera with couples first, then we progressed to meeting a couple in person and it took us along time to build up to having sex with them.

We met them several times before anything happened. We both wanted to be sure we were attracted to them and them to us. And of course we were. So this weekend was it. The foreplay was amazing, my bi-experience was amazing, but something happened to me after round one of our sex match. I started to feel a creeping of jealousy at the level of intimacy between my husband and the female we were both just playing with. The cuddling and hand holding and hair playing really bothered me. Is there a line of intimacy? Do we set that? How do we set that?

What is wrong with me? I thought it was an amazing experience and I want to do it again but how do I deal with this? Is this normal? We discussed it as soon as we got in the car to come home and he sensed something was wrong but didn’t know what. I feel like I am crazy! Is swinging just sex or is it making love? (I bet you are going to tell me we have to figure that out, but maybe you have the answer =)).

When we talked about it, we both determined perhaps that is something missing our sex life at home and we can fix that. He also said he wouldn’t be that intimate the next time but now he feels like he has to be careful of what he does and that kind of bothers him and me too.

This really isn’t a subject I can discuss with my friends not in the lifestyle and I don’t really want to discuss it with the couple we have become good friends with for fear that they will feel weirded out too. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

CJ
 

Dear CJ,

Welcome to the wonderful, and sometimes challenging, world of sexual openness. Glad you found the website helpful. Hope you find the books the same. Your letter (nicely written, by the way) brings up issues that are somewhat covered in our books and seminars, but we might add a little here.

We find nothing unusual or wrong or crazy about your reactions. Sharing intimacy can be trickier than sharing sexual activities.

Jealousy is anxiety caused by a perceived threat to your relationship with your husband. It is perfectly natural and laudable to protect that relationship. So, don’t feel bad about feeling jealous. On the other hand, jealousy isn’t a pleasant feeling, so you need to face the cause and eliminate it. Complete honesty and full communication with each other (as you seem to be doing) is the key.

More specifically, consider these points:

• Swinging works best, in our experience, when it is done together. Not just “in the same room” together, but “as a partnership” together. Sort of like the difference between running in the same race and participating in a three-legged race. The analogy isn’t perfect; you don’t need to rope your thighs together; it’s more of a mental thing. As we say in Considering Swinging, you are not sharing your mate with someone else, you and your mate are sharing the experience of being with someone else. Both of you need to be aware of the other’s mood, desires, and needs and be ready to offer assistance and reassurance to each other.
• Being in a sexual situation with other couples demands honesty and compassion, but it doesn’t require the same level of emotional involvement as a marriage. Every couple has little things they do or say to each other that are best kept to themselves.
• “Being careful” about what we say and do is a requirement in any swinging encounter just as much as in any other social situation. Enjoying the total abandon of the thought-free, carefree, “zipless fuck” is a dream, even for many conjugal bedmates. Don’t expect to find it readily with another couple.
• It is natural to be nervous and hypersensitive when trying something new and different. Much of what bothered you the first time will seem unimportant and non-threatening as you become more experienced.

You didn’t say if your new friends were likewise novices. If they were, they might be troubled by the same thoughts as you and welcome a discussion of the topic. We recommend socializing with more experienced swingers, even if you don’t have sex with them, just to expand your perspectives and give you a forum for discussing your feelings.

As for swinging being sex or making love, that’s somewhat like asking if dinner at a restaurant is sustenance or entertainment, business or romance – could be all or any, depending on the attitude and desires of the participants. You and your husband don’t have to have exactly the same approach, but each of you does need to understand, accept, and support the attitudes and desires of the other.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana