3/03/03

Dear Ed and Dana,

I am reading “Together Sex” and want to express a big thank you for writing it.
    My wife and I just started with swinging at the beginning of this year. I seem to have run smack dab into one of the most common problems for men just starting swinging. That is loss of libido. We joined a local on-premise swing club that has a great atmosphere; however, the two times I have been there I had a difficult time getting aroused. I have never had this problem before. I have been happily married over 24 years and sex with my wife has gotten better and better since we got into the lifestyle. We have had one experience with a couple where we met with them at their house or at a hotel and swapped partners. The first time with the woman, I couldn’t get excited at all. The second experience was fabulous. I was able to get hard and come at least once. However, at the club with this woman I was back to the same problem of not getting hard.
    I really enjoy the atmosphere at the club but wonder if it will take me some time to get used to all the exciting sights and sounds there. What things can I do to get more comfortable with new partners and at the club?
    Wanting to get lots more comfortable

Thanks for your help,
R in Seattle

Dear R in Seattle,

We are neither medical practitioners nor sex therapists, so the following is based only on decades of experience and observation.
     As you note, gaining and maintaining functional erections is not at all uncommon for men in swinging. Likewise, women can find themselves unaroused (uptight and unlubricated) when a previously enticing fantasy suddenly gets real. As surprising as this situational loss of libido might be to one who experiences it, the cause is generally straightforward, and pretty obvious once it comes to mind. Every sexual situation contains factors that contribute to arousal and factors that inhibit arousal. You will not become aroused sufficiently to maintain a good erection if the situational factors that inhibit arousal outweigh those factors that contribute to arousal.
     Factors that can inhibit arousal include performance anxiety, unfamiliar surroundings, unexpected behavior of your partner, and a legion of other social and psychological gremlins. To some extent, these can be reduced by careful planning and mental programming, although too much of either could dampen one’s excitement and be counterproductive. The passage of time tends to reduce many inhibiting factors. So, reducing inhibiting factors can help – a little.
     The most effective step you can take to ensure that your libido keeps up with your social commitments is to bring as many arousal-contributing factors as feasible to the new situation. From your letter, it is pretty easy for us to guess what factor contributes most to your arousal – your sexy wife!
     Teamwork is often the key to successful swinging, especially in the early stages. Optimal swinging is an experience you share. The two of you are there for each other; to encourage, assist, protect, and experience each other within the context of social sex. You are allowed to touch, kiss, stimulate, and, yes, even fuck each other. You are allowed to assist your partner’s new playmate with both words and actions (“rub it this way,” “lick it like this,” “put your finger in here”). There may come a time when the two of you want to go off on your own a bit, and that’s fine too. But, you should never bow to outside pressure to do so. When you’re together, the world is a lot more comfortable – and a lot more fun!

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana