3/5/03

Dear Ed and Dana,

My husband and I have been together nine years, married seven. We are into the idea of a threesome (female/female/male), and I have even done some very tame kissing and touching with the other woman. We have yet to follow through on an actual threesome.
    Recently my husband has come to the realization that he wants an open marriage, not just a threesome, and I am considering following through with that kind of relationship. The problem is that he has already recently and secretly had a complete sexual relationship with this other woman that we both wanted a threesome with. He wants to be able to have this sexual relationship "on the side" with her and incorporate their experience with our own by telling me every detail of the tryst while we have sex.
    While the idea of watching them appeals to me a great deal, the idea of it happening without me does not. His agreement with me would be that I could do the same with other males and incorporate it into our love making, but at the moment the idea of me and another male does not appeal to me.
    I am trying to remain open minded to the idea and need some advice as to how to get past the feeling of being "left out" of their experience together.

Thank you,
Open minded

Dear Open Minded,

     You say that your husband secretly had a “complete sexual relationship” with another woman. We can’t tell from that ambiguous and euphemistic phrase whether this was a one-night stand or an affair of some duration. If it was just a momentary lapse, we would encourage you to forgive him and use the experience as a stimulus to strengthen your relationship. If it was a repeated indiscretion, we think the two of you have some major trust issues to work out before you even consider opening up your marriage.
    Although we have been swingers for decades, we do not encourage “open marriage” as you seem to envision it. We have both tried that approach, have seen many other couples try it, and have never known it to result in the betterment of the marriage. Experiencing the pleasures and thrills of dating while enjoying the security and comfort of marriage is a very alluring idea. But very few people, if any, have either the time or the emotional energy to successfully carry on two intimate relationships simultaneously. Sooner or later, the stresses become overwhelming and one relationship will give way to the other, and it’s usually the newer one that wins out.
    We totally empathize with the desire for something more than physical monogamy, but it’s far better to seek freedom within your marriage, rather than from your marriage. As we emphasize in our books, strong relationships are built on shared experiences. The main attraction of swinging is that it is something couples do together. Just talking about it later is a poor substitute for interacting with each other in real time (even if you have no reason to doubt the trustworthiness of your partner).
    The way to “get past” the feeling of being left out of an experience is to avoid being left out of that experience. Don’t let lofty notions of “openness” persuade you to abandon your own desires and instincts.

Best wishes,
Ed and Dana