1/2/06

Dear Ed and Dana,

Have bought both your books on Amazon and found them very helpful in beginning the lifestyle. Have been in for less than a year. Met several couples online and also attended clubs. Have tried to be really open and honest.

It's complicated here --

First encounter horrible bed-post notchers. Second couple just OK. Third couple seemed exact match. Same ages as us, married 20+ years and seemed perfect.

The husband (S) and I (M) instant messaged for almost a month before meet and had major desire for each other. My husband (W) and the wife (L) are more reserved and only e-mailed twice. My husband Woo did not like cybersex on IM and was squirrely before meet.

Met and went to hotel, same room. Looked like 'L' and 'W' were doing well; 'S' and I had a fabulous time. My husband 'W' looked to be upset before we left hotel. When we got home he was crazy because I had a great time and he didn't. Seemed that 'L' kept saying she was sorry all night and was so nervous she could hardly do it. It was 'L' and 'S''s first time. 'S' had great time. 'L' did not tell him she didn't have a good time.

'W' took brunt as being jealous so we took a month away and tried to straighten out. All this time, 'L' never tells 'S' that she was apologizing or that she was bothered by how loud he and I were.

When we came back together, now 'S' and 'L' are lowkey about the drama of jealousy and want to take more time away. But, 'L' didn't take any credit in 'W' not having a good time. He was really only jealous that 'M' had a good time and he didn't. Not over his wife.

Do we sit down and discuss this with the other couple and try to go forward, do we walk away or is there some middle ground? We feel they truly are a good match for us and don't want to walk away if we can work it out. Just don't know how to work it out. Any advice would be so helpful.

Know this is complicated. Many thanks,

'M' & 'W'

Dear M & W,

Yes, it does seem complex. In fact, another careful reading of your letter leaves us still uncertain of who is married to whom. But that is of no matter. We offer two observations to the four of you.

First, there is no perfect couple. Searching for one is a waste of precious time. Expecting another couple to meet your every desire is a sure recipe for disappointment. As with any other social situation (including marriage), openness, tolerance, and compromise are prescribed.

Second, there is always a middle ground. Whether or not you will be happy residing there in the long term is unknowable now, but if you don’t try to find it you’ll risk losing a good thing. So, don’t “walk away” yet. We know it seems a cliché, but we believe that if you can just let go and let life happen, it will be far more satisfying (and exciting) than if you try to over-analyze and control events. Who knows where this couple might lead you, or to whom they might lead you?

Essentially, then, we are suggesting that you follow your instincts and feelings. No one else will judge you poorly for whatever decision you make – and you shouldn’t either. Unfortunately, we can’t offer more specific advice without being there.

Another note, as we say so often on our website, swinging is about sharing experiences. Both members of a couple are responsible for knowing what is going on with their mate and offering assistance, protection, advice, etc., as required. There should be no surprises when they get home.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana