Dear Ed and Dana,

     Thank you both for your time in answering our questions out here in cyberspace! :-)
     My wife and I are considering trading with a couple who are good friends with us and live near us. It all started as my friend Ron and I talked about swapping wives as he was interested in my wife. Ron would come over to help me when I was doing some construction. I encouraged my wife to flash us and let us see her sexy underwear. She was shy at first but then started sitting around in her underwear because she liked the attention and how "both of our eyes would light up" when it happened. I talked to her about a threesome but she was concerned about Ron's wife finding out and hurting their marriage.
     After a few weeks, Ron's wife brought up that she wanted to try it with someone else (she had mentioned this in the past a few years ago, too) and we were all virgins when we got married and never done it with anyone else. So she expressed this to my wife one night while we were playing cards. One night later I asked my wife if she would do a threesome and she said she didn't know, so I said I would invite Ron over and see what happened. Ron came over and they were soon in the bedroom mostly undressed, I went upstairs to get a glass of water and both were then under the sheets naked. I wanted to join but my wife said she was to uncomfortable with that so I went out and left them alone for a few hours. She said she couldn't believe how different it was but they didn't really do anything (hit the basses on everything but not all the way) because she was uncomfortable with not knowing where I was at or hearing me walk around in the other room, so now she said she was intrigued and wanted to do it somewhere where she could let her self go.
     We then talked about trading for the night but later decided it was better to have us all go to a hotel together and swap for a couple hours or so then get back together with our own spouses for the night. We spend a lot of time together on the weekends playing dominoes or cards and play footsie with each other and suggestive talk, some touching and a sneaked in kiss here and there but most of the action as far as the talk and footsie stuff is at the table, we don't kiss in front of our spouses.
      Is there any advice you can give or are we doing it the right way? We are planning a night out. I know we all have a strong relationship, my only worry was if this would make the wives more apt to cheat but I think I'm over that now.

Thanks again,
Charles [All names in this letter have been changed.]

Dear "Charles",

     We certainly understand why the ideas you have are attractive. Nevertheless, we think your approach is pretty risky. The chances of four inexperienced people all getting the same amount of enjoyment from the activity and each other are very slim. In all likelihood, some will be much more comfortable than others, and how are you going to handle that? Couples often have to get through an adjustment period when they start opening up their marriage to sexual play with others. Starting as a foursome is much more complex because instead of one relationship with two personalities there are four personalities that can combine in 21 different ways! That is not to say that it cannot be done successfully. In light of how far things have developed already, here is what we recommend.
     This advice is for all four of you.
      1. Read the booklet Considering Swinging. All of you read it at the same time (four copies will only cost you 20 bucks — order from our website). Pay particular attention to our answer to the question "How can a couple know if they are likely to be successful swingers?" Decide if each of you meet these qualifications. If any one of you does not, do not proceed further (with each other) until you all do.
      2. Talk about it, with your spouses privately and as a group. Say what's on your minds. Listen carefully and respectfully to what others are saying. Don't argue or debate.
      3. Take small steps — together. Meet for an evening (maybe with a drink or two, but no one should be drunk) and do a little experimentation. A good place to start is to make love to your own spouse while the other couple is doing the same nearby (even on the same large bed — the women often end up holding hands when this happens ... the men seldom do). Being able to watch and know you're being watched is usually a big turn on. Then go home and talk about it with your spouses for a week or so and then decide if you really enjoyed it and you all want to go further. The next step might be to play one of those board games that encourage frisky behavior. Or decide to play with each other but only manually or orally. It is very important that you all do this together. If someone if uncomfortable playing around in the same room as their spouse then it is very unlikely that extracurricular sex will benefit their marriage. No matter how wrapped up you are with your new partner, don't forget to share a smile or a wink with your spouse, watch out for each other and lend assistance or give advice as needed.
     4. While all this is going on, increase your experience and knowledge. We suggest you read, at least, the other books recommended on our homepage. Find a local swing club and go and talk to the folks — you don't have to participate, just talk and broaden your perspective.
     5. Enjoy. Sex with others can be a lot of fun if you make it a shared experience and try not to take any of it too seriously.
     6. Let us know how it works out.

Playfully yours,
Ed and Dana