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Answers
& Advice
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2/27/2002
Hi,
I surfed on your site and checked
it out. It's very good.
My wife and I were involved in swinging
for about 5 yrs. We're in our early 40's now. We swung more as a
hobby than a lifestyle. We first met other couples through the contact
magazines by mail correspondence then went on-line. We never went
to clubs or on a vacation to a swingers resort but may have wanted
to check it out one day. We mostly partied with other couples one
on one at their place or ours when we could get the kids on an overnight.
Maybe every 2-3 months we'd party with another couple. We had a
small circle of couples we'd take turns getting together with. We
even got together just socially at times because we wanted to be
friendly in and out of the bedroom with other couples. Some couples
we drifted apart from, but a small core we remained with.
My wife began to lose enthusiasm and
then just wanted to stop swinging about 2 yrs. ago. I didn't want
to stop but I gave it a try. She didn't have a problem getting together
with couples socially and I thought I wouldn't but it bothers me
more than her! I hoped she'd eventually come around again and we've
had our discussions and arguments over it. It's been over 2 yrs.
now and we're still stuck at an impasse.
I think she's more afraid of me having
too good a time with the other woman and that I'm looking for a
substitute for her and that prevented her from having a good time
with her swing partner after a while. I always told her and it's
true, that I love to hear or see her having a good time with another
man. Certainly I like to enjoy another woman but I tell her it's
just recreational sex when we party with other couples. I always
liked for her to tell me what she did when we partied separately
with other couples and told her it turned me on, but I could see
she wasn't very interested when I told her what I did with the other
woman in the next room.
Can you offer any advice or suggestions?
I've told her I love her and am not going to leave her over swinging
but I haven't been the same happy camper since we stopped.
Thanks.
TR
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Dear
TR,
We sympathize with your difficulty
in trying to return to a nonphysical relationship with previous
swing partners. When someone changes the rules, the relationships
change too. You can't go back to the way you were, because everyone
is different now. We do not mean to imply, however, that couples
who have partied together are obligated to do so every time they
meet. We see several couples socially that we haven't swung with
in years. But we don't feel restricted by that … we know we
can if the mood strikes us.
You say that your wife lost her enthusiasm
about 2 years ago; but how enthusiastic was she prior to that? if
she was an avid player and suddenly changed, then you must find
out why. Speculation on our part would be worse than useless. On
the other hand, if she never really liked swinging, and only went
along because she was trying to please you, then you probably should
abandon the idea if you want to remain married to her. Or, maybe,
just maybe, a different approach to swinging would change her mind.
We infer from your letter that your
prior swinging experience was mostly closed, that is, you and your
wife went your separate ways at parties. Although we have nothing
against this practice per se, we have observed that swinging
rarely improves the marriages of couples who resist sharing the
sex-play experience.
You will find our remaining advice
in our books, Considering
Swinging and Together
Sex. If you and your wife read them both, you may find
common ground to begin swinging again.
But whatever the result, please remember
that swinging is not critical to a successful and happy marriage
… open and honest communication is.
Stay
Playful,
Ed and Dana
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