Dear "Very Confused"

     There are two keys to freeing you of your fears and confusion; these are patience and understanding.
     What you must understand are your options, constraints, and purposes. Options are discovered first by reading (especially Considering Swinging, Together Sex, and the responses to other letters on this site) and then by observation (in person and on the Web). Your constraints and purposes are understood via thoughtful communication between you and your husband. (Guidance in this communication process will be found throughout those books and letters.)
     Patience is a key not only because gaining understanding takes time, but because expanding the scope of marital sexuality doesn't have to be like jumping off a cliff. We advise taking the stairs — one small and easy step at a time, until you really feel you can fly.
     We have alluded to these steps in another letter, but will elaborate here. An important thing to remember is that each step is really a plateau where you can linger as long as you wish. So, once you have done your homework, try these steps:
     1. Visit a swing club (off-premise is probably preferable the first time). Go several times (the crowd will change) and attend more than one club if feasible. Agree beforehand that you are going just to observe and learn and that there will be no sexual interaction with others. Stick to that agreement, even if you feel like changing it, at least during your initial visit. Watch the proceedings and converse with those who seem friendly and attractive to you. Be honest about your situation; everyone was new to the scene once. Contrary to the public image, few swingers are predatory; most will be friendly, empathetic, and helpful. Remember at all times that you are a couple. Hold each other, kiss each other, do whatever feels good with each other (to the extent club rules allow). When you leave, go home or back to your hotel and talk and make love, repeating the process as the mood strikes.
     2. Find a couple willing to have sex in the same room with the two of you so that you can watch and be watched while only touching your spouses. Some couples enjoy such sharing as their main or only practice, others will be willing to participate because they enjoy it and want to encourage you as you find your wings. How do you locate such couples? … Ask. Most swingers are remarkably open to straight talk and direct requests concerning sex.
     3. [This can be lots of separate steps.] Once you are comfortable with the above, try allowing other interactions such as caressing, kissing, licking, and oral sex. Doing everything but coitus with another couple is sometimes referred to as "soft swinging." It isn't really swinging, but it can be very pleasurable. Lots of couples start this way and some never go further — and that's okay.
      4. It may take a long time before you feel like "going all the way" with another couple. It may only take an evening or two. The great majority of women in swinging were quite concerned about the idea before they tried it — and then quite surprised at how quickly they came to love it. But, everyone is different, so take things at your own pace. You are in control and you can stop at any time.
     Above all, HAVE FUN!
     Please write again; we'd love to hear how things work out.

Stay Playful,
Ed and Dana